BOWING MY KNEE TO HEAVENLY FATHER AND JESUS!

THAT'S WHAT I COUNT ON

TODAY AND TODAY AND TODAY AND TODAY

AND FOREVER.

I'M FOCUSING ON OUR HEAVENLY FATHER

AND FOCUSING ON HEAVEN!

AND EVEN THOUGH THIS IS CHRISTMAS WEEK/MONTH,

THIS IS GRABBING MY HEART, MOMENT-BY-MOMENT!

BLESSINGS!!

CHRISTMAS PIECES HERE AND IN UGANDA!

     About the December of 1992, Dave and I chose a Jesus born stretch.  It was very big and was being set aside by the shop.  I guess they didn't think people would want it in their home.  We did then, and often we do it now.  I just took this photo a couple days ago.

        AND the coffee table is filled with it!  We have to be careful when walking from the kitchen or bathroom area, b/c we could stumble against it when it's so wide.  But we love it and watch carefully.
       When we were going to Uganda in '94, we thought we'd be there forever, so other than the stable piece we had, the others were taken.  When we had a home in the Kampala area [Katelemwa] right before Christmas, and we had been given 4 kids from one family to teach ... Dave did computer and piano and other things, and I did a bit of the English class situation and teaching books ... and, even though we didn't have couches or anything people could sit on, we sat on the floor.  And we put this piece then.  And their brother didn't sit there right then in the living room.  The girls were excited and filled with joyfulness to be right there!  Never had anything like this in Uganda.

From the red-ish color on the left to the right portion with the door portion was all the living room then.  Quite wonderful. 

                           Here's one we did on a door area!

           About a year later, we were at New Hope Uganda in the house that the teacher for the Jay and Vickie Dangers kids.  We were doing what we could do.  AND the house was a lot smaller than our previous one.

      When we had just gotten there, and had our stuff to put in the place, it was quite a bit of stuff.  And this was our kitchen room and our living room.  You can see that brown seat on both of the pictures.  One on the left side in the kitchen and the other on the right portion.  Actually, that was at our table. It was quite a time.
       Well, we had our Christmas piece with us, and we had put it on a table back in the corner.  Eventually, a few kids were brought in and we held the kids and we showed all of it to them.  It was on a small table, right back in that corner that you could see.  Anyhow, one thing happened then, when a young kid grabbed one of them and broke a piece of it.  I cried.

And it's on our table, as usual.  Just thought I'd remind you.

        A miracle is that we still have used it in our homes for all these years.  It's been 20 years now since that happened. So, this is what it still looks like.  I don't cry again, but I always smile!  And I'm amazed and grateful how the Lord let us keep it.  Here it is!  I'll show the group again, and then the last piece of the men who had come to give gifts to Jesus.

  

[OH, and the rock piece is what Dave and I got in Canada at Thunder Bay, Ontario.  A week after our wedding we were at that place for a couple hours and got that rock.  We've smiled at it forever!]

 

 

JOYFULNESS AND HALLELUJAH!!

          I'm very grateful and I'm filled with rejoicing!  Today at three churches I was hugged and loved and appreciated, even though I have difficult times to walk clearly and to speak carefully.  Sometimes my brain and body issue is a real challenge to me and to others.  DUH!  I look forward the do what I can in our world and I instantly look forward to Heaven!!  
      Yes, day-by-day, moment-by-moment, I focus on my Heavenly Father and Jesus and piles and piles of others, including family and friends, pastors, and kind neighbors that took care of me and dropped the Lord into my heart when I was a good person sometimes and a fighter sometimes.  I know I've been protected and carefully healed by the Lord a number of times, even when in a fighting home when I was a young kid.  I was taught to be a fighter when I was just turning 5 in July, '50.        
      It's a huge blessing that the Lord broke into my life and did not let me enter suicide which occurred when I was in my late teens.   In Tacoma and Seattle between ages of 18 to 20, I had become in very sinful situations, back in 1964 to 1966, and knowing about it through what I'd known of the Lord I truly thought I'd be murdered or arrested for murdering someone.   It's a blessing that the Lord broke strongly into my life when I was 20.  In all these 50 years He has been such a miracle for me and my family and friends.  So much changed through and for Him.

      So I'm filled with rejoicing and joyfulness!! 

 Through eternity!! 

 Just like many of you the word is

     HALLELUJAH!!!

SERVING AND WORSHIPING AND REJOICING RE: HEAVEN!

      As I said on this... bottom portion of the picture on the right side and white ... that " And I can hardly wait!" that was about 2 years ago.  Well, day-by-day now I have that info strongly in my heart.  I see so much around the world on TV or computer info pieces the nations, the states, the cities, the towns, and the villages.  I miss many who are in Heaven, and miss many here that I've seen around our world, b/c I can't go around nearly as often as I used to even about a year ago.  
      Anyhow, as Jesus said in the Word,  I'm really hoping and looking forward to seeing my home situations in Heaven. I keep hearing in my brain and heart that I might be in Heaven soon.   Anyhow, this is a heart and spirit grabber for me. 
      Serving and Worshiping and Glorifying and Sharing to the Lord -- all day, all night -- that's all that counts forever!

REVELATION...AND MY HEART!

REVELATION IS ON MY HEART AGAIN.

THE LORD TOLD ME TODAY THAT, 

WHEN I FINISH OTHER BIBLE BOOKS, 

WHICH WILL BE TOMORROW,

 THAT I AM TO GO BACK TO REVELATION.

  

I'VE READ IT MANY, MANY TIMES.  AND SINCE MY HEAVENLY FATHER IS INDICATING THAT I NEED TO READ IT AGAIN, STRONGLY I WILL FOCUS ON THAT WORLDWIDE INFO. 

AND A BLESSING IS THAT WHEN I WAS

IN MOROCCO BACK IN APRIL, 2001,

 [ALONG WITH A FEW HUNDREDS OF OTHERS THERE 

AT THAT TIME FROM A VARIETY OF NATIONS] 

 TO BE A PRAYER AND A HELPER FOR 

A SHORT STRETCH OF TIME. 

I STILL SEE THAT SOME OVER THERE LOOK ON MY BLOG.

 THAT IS A HUGE BLESSING!  

I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO BE WITH AND SEE 

OUR HEAVENLY FATHER.

BLESS YOU ALL FOR YOUR LOVE FOR HIM!

LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!!

TRULY ON MY HEART,

MOMENT-BY-MOMENT,

DAY-BY-DAY.

AND, OF COURSE, IF HE DOESN'T RETURN SOON

I'LL BE UP WITH HIM!

YIPPEE!!

HALLELUJAH!!

YES! HEAVEN AND EARTH!!

AMEN!!!

MY DAILY SITUATION!

EVEN IF AND WHEN MY BODY DOESN'T BOW DOWN,

 MY HEART AND BRAIN ARE DOING IT SIGNIFICANTLY,

SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. 

 LOOK FOREWORD TO DOING IT CONSTANTLY IN HEAVEN!

JESUS LOOKED TO HEAVEN. WE DO, TOO.

JESUS, AFTER A NUMBER OF YEARS,

FACING HIS DEATH AND HOW HE COULD BE 

DEALING WITH THE SINFULNESS OF THE WORLD,

HE USED THOSE "FATHER" WORDS.

TODAY, AND FOREVER, THAT'S ALL I CAN EVER 

FOCUS ON AND COUNT ON.

THE COUPLE THOUSAND YEARS LATER 

FROM WHEN JESUS WAS SACRIFICED

THE SINFULNESS HAS EXPLODED AROUND THE WORLD.

I FOCUS ON THE HEAVEN, AND GREATLY APPRECIATING

 MY HEAVENLY FATHER AND JESUS,

MOMENT-BY-MOMENT, DAY-BY-DAY.

HEAVENS HIGHER!! A BLESSING FOR US!!

THIS IS ON MY HEART VERY HEAVILY TODAY.

FOCUSING ON THE LORD IS ALL WE CAN DO

FOREVER AND EVER.

HE IS THE GLORIOUS MEMBER OF OUR LIFE!

MY DAD'S BEEN IN HEAVEN!!

THE MINISTER WONDERFULLY USED THIS WORD FOR MY DAD AT THE FUNERAL.  WHAT A TREAT!

==========================

      MY DAD DIED 31 YEARS AGO TODAY, MAY 22ND, 1984, WHEN 65 YEARS OLD.

     THROUGH MUCH SINFULNESS, FROM HIS CHILDHOOD TIME FORWARD, HE OFFICIALLY CAME TO THE LORD WHEN HE WAS 59.  HE LIVED IN TACOMA MANY TIMES OVER THE YEARS, AND CALLED ME HERE IN OMAHA ONE SUNDAY AFTERNOON IN THE SPRINGTIME AND TOLD ME.  THEN HE SENT ME A LETTER WITH HOW IT HAPPENED.  I REJOICED.

     MY DAD AND I HAD RARELY SEEN EACH OTHER FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS SINCE I WAS ABOUT 23.  THEN, AFTER HE SENT ME THE LETTER AND CALLED ME ABOUT TURNING TO THE LORD, WE SAW EACH OTHER JUST ONE MORE TIME.  THE REASON I SAW HIM WAS BECAUSE ALL OF MY SISTERS WENT TO SEE HIM DURING THE THANKSGIVING TIME IN '83.  MIRACULOUSLY, I WAS ABLE TO BE THERE. SINCE FLYING FROM OKLAHOMA WOULD BE TOO EXPENSIVE, I DIDN'T THINK I COULD GO.  THEN  A CO-WORKER WITH ME AT MY JOB IN OKLAHOMA GAVE ME THE FINANCIAL GIFT.  SO MY SISTERS AND I ALL KNEW IT WOULD BE OUR LAST TIME WITH HIM AS A GROUP.

      MY SISTER, NIKI, HAD CALLED ME WHEN I WAS IN OKLAHOMA IN THE PREVIOUS SEPTEMBER AND TOLD ME HE WOULD DIE SOON. HE HAD JUST BEEN TOLD THIS BY THE DOCTORS WHEN HE WAS CHECKED ON.  IT WAS A SUDDEN SITUATION. NIKI SAID I SHOULD WRITE A POEM FOR HIM.  GOD QUICKLY GAVE IT TO ME THAT DAY, AND I SENT IT TO HER.  SHE FRAMED IT, AND GAVE IT TO HIM.  HE HAD IT FOR ABOUT 8 MONTHS INSTEAD OF JUST A FEW WEEKS.  

       MIRACULOUSLY, I WAS FLOWN OUT TO TACOMA FOR HIS FUNERAL SERVICE; MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, FRED, THE HUSBAND OF KRISTAN, ARRANGED IT FOR THE PLANE COMPANY.  AT THE FUNERAL, THE POEM FRAME WAS HANDED TO ME, AND I READ IT DURING THE SERVICE, AND, OFFICIALLY, IT WAS GIVEN TO ME,  AND I STILL HAVE IT ON A WALL, EVEN WHEN MOVING TO DIFFERENT HOMES SEVERAL TIMES OVER THESE YEARS.  IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME OFTEN AND I'M SMILING.  CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE DAD WHEN I'M IN HEAVEN!

HERE'S THE POEM:

TO DAD

We’re so much alike – you and I – 
    We think and we feel much the same.
When we love, it’s a deep, soul-filling love,
    When we hurt, it’s with soul-rending pain.

We’re like mirrors – mirror images.

Two needn’t be close –
    If you’re counting the miles –
To Share this world’s Days and its Night.
    There are soul-mates
Who travel life’s path side by side
    Though mountains and plains bar their sight.

And we’re mirrors – you and I – mirror images.

Without Jesus to keep us, we’d Die – you and I –
    Eternally lost from our Lord.
Our hurts closed our hearts to the goodness of God,
    And we turned our backs to His Word.

We’re SO alike – like mirrors – mirror images.

But He reached us – He found us
    And He healed our hearts –
The greatest of healings provided.
    We opened our hearts to receive that great love,
And now He walks closely beside us.

We walk hand-in-hand,
    But with Jesus between –
As He looks in our hearts, we can say
    It’s not just the one,
        or the Two,
            But the THREE of us,
Who will love through Eternity’s Day.

Shining like mirrors – mirror images 

JESUS CARES SO MUCH FOR US

A "COUNT ON" CARING BLESSING.

FOREVER!

HE IS MY HEART-TOUCHER, CONSISTENTLY!

I'M A GRATEFUL COOKIE! 

MARY MAGDALENE ... MY MONOLOGUE

                        MARY MAGDALENE MONOLOGUE
                              Written January, 1985

     This has been performed a number of times, both at churches and in homes, in our nation and others, especially Uganda.  My husband has often played the hymn, “I Come to the Garden Alone” at the beginning, and, as a pianist, created music to help shift from phase to phase.  I wrote a poem called “Slave of Love” when writing the monologue.  Dave shortly after our relationship began a few months after the monologue was written and performed the first time, he immediately sat at the piano and added the music.  It is a truly beautiful song. [I now included the poem in this monologue, so it will touch your heart, just as it touched mine.]
     The monologue was based, obviously, on the Mary Magdalene Story, labeled as Scenes originally, not chapters.  At the beginning, about 32 years ago, I felt blessed to have heard the Lord tell me what to write and why to write it.  What did I understand immediately?  That it was to touch hearts, open spiritual doors, and encourage ladies who had been through difficult and disastrous times.  He would break through the hard walls that surrounded them with fear, sorrow, and sin.
     Since then, the purpose has not changed.  How could it?

==============================================

(Hymn: I Come To The Garden Alone)

     Welcome to the garden.  Isn’t it beautiful?  I come here often, but never without feeling I am on holy ground.  People think I'm foolish; they've told me, "Jesus is no longer in the Garden, you are wasting your time.  And, of course, I laugh.  I know He's not here.  I saw Him ascend.  A smile, a loving look, and suddenly, He was suspended above me, moving slowly upward, gradually encompassed by the clouds.  He even reminded us once more that He had to leave so the Comforter could come.  I didn't understand – then – but I didn't need to.  I was at peace.  My heart was so full of love towards the Father and His Son, there was no room for grief or sorrow.  But, in spite of my joy – in spite of the wonder of that day – my place of peace is this Garden.  I find visits to this quiet shaded haven refreshing and renewing.  As Abram and Jacob returned to Beth-el and found there a renewing of their covenants with God, so coming here provides a renewing of my spirit.

(Interlude)

     Jesus is my Lord and my Savior, my Brother, but, mostly, Jesus is my Friend.  In fact, He was my first friend.  Shortly before I met Him, I decided my life was worthless...less than worthless...and I would end it.  My heart was desolate.  I searched my heart – wandered endlessly through the dark, narrow bends of memory – for a reason to live, and found none.  Momentarily, I recalled the Law, and knew that to kill myself was to murder, but Law gives no hope--and without hope there is no life. 
     At night I lay staring into the murky darkness, listening to the wind rustling the leaves of the olive trees outside the window.  I longed for sleep, but true sleep was a vestige of the distant past.  Instead of relief and rest, sleep brought dreams..and voices...ghosts to taunt, looming "beings" to mock me.  

[Interlude]

     With no one to save me from my private and very real hell, I sank farther and farther into a pit of despair.  I knew so well the ugly face of sin with its bitterness, hatred and despair.  Yes, Oh, yes!! I wanted to die.

[Interlude]

     And then Jesus came.  Jesus, the teacher from Nazareth, the Healer...the rumored Restorer of Israel, and awaited Messiah.  Not only was he strong and handsome, taller than King Saul must have been, a true seed of King David, but he was the first man I'd ever seen who wasn't afraid to be tender.  When he held babies in his arms or touched people with his calloused carpenter hands, he was gentle as a summer breeze.  
     The first time I saw him he was pressed in on all sides by the crowd.  A woman holding a small child cried out "Jesus.  Jesus.  Over here", and immediately he stopped.  "What is it, Woman?" he asked with tenderness.  Tears filled her eyes.  "Master", she said, "It's his legs.  They are so bent...oh, Master, can you ... WILL you...help him?"  I watched amazed as Jesus reached out his hands and placed them gently on the child.  For a few moments He stood in silence, seemingly unaware of the crowd--and then aloud he said, "My Father, bless this mother and her son, and grant her request."  Before our very eyes, as He spoke, the child's legs straightened.
      From that time onward, I watched Him, cautiously, from the distance.  I didn't trust men...ANY man.  I agreed with the ancient observation that "the thoughts of a man's heart are only evil continually" and I was determined not to be deceived by another one.
     Occasionally, as his eyes searched the crowds, Jesus looked at me, and I knew He could see right into my soul.  It frightened me, but I could never resist him or shift my gaze.  I was certain He knew my reputation as a harlot, some of which had grown from my night-time wanderings, but some of which had a basis in fact.  I was nearly convinced that illicit "love" was better than no love at all.  It amazed me that his eyes carried no condemnation.  I sensed only that He hurt because I did.
      Early one morning, after another tormented night, I was sitting on a rock overlooking the lake.  I heard a sound on the shore behind me.  I think I knew who it was even before I turned.  My heart began beating so hard it drowned out the sound of the waves lapping against the shore and the crying of the gulls.  Tears filled my eyes and, try as I might, I couldn't keep them from spilling over and coursing down my cheeks.  I wanted to run, but I couldn't move my legs.  All he said was "Mary" and he touched my shoulder and I crumpled at his feet in the sand and cried.  All the agony of my life poured out in those tears.  I cried till there was nothing left.  And all that time, Jesus said nothing, did nothing.  Just waited.  Then he lifted me to my feet, cupped my face in His hands, and looked into my eyes.  "Mary" he said, "I know you've been hurt and I know you've sinned.  Just as you've watched me, so I've watched you.  I feel the same pain in my heart you feel.  I know rejection and fear and shame...not for myself, but for all the others who need to know the Father cares about them...their feelings...their needs...their future."  And then as he continued to hold my gaze, the very air around us became filled with rebuke, yet I knew he wasn't rebuking me.  And he said quietly, but with supreme authority, "Satan, you have harbored your demons in Mary's life, but you have no right to stay.  Leave now and never return."  And one by one, my tormentors left.  I don't know how to explain it, but I saw them leave, like shadows passing across the sun, or smoke across a glass.  And, the darkness was replaced by dazzling brightness.  The wall encasing my heart shattered and I was free.  Free to love, free to serve, free to follow. 

                                    "Slave of Love"
            
        Verse 1:  I look out now through eyes that see.
                       No fear nor hate to torture me.
                       No more unwanted or alone
                       Come now and make my heart Your throne.

        Verse 2:  I lived a life of agony,
                       Fog-shrouded pain engulfing me.
                      You touched my heart, You met my need,
                      And through Your love, my soul’s been freed.
           
        Chorus: I’m free to serve You all my days.
                       I’m freely bound to sing Your praise.
                       I’m free to chain my life to Yours.
                      A Slave of Love, forevermore.         

     
     I thought I'd die when he did.  The agony and rage I'd felt during the crucifixion were gone.  The empty cross still stood starkly outlined against the dark sky.  Joseph and Nicodemus removed the body.  Jesus' mother and John left.  I stayed.  A soldier, overseeing the removal of the thieves' bodies stood by me clearly disturbed by the day's strange events.
     "Woman", he growled.  "Go.  This so-called King of yours is dead.  He should have left well enough alone and let Caesar be God."  He swore under his breath.  "These wretched provincials.  What a God-forsaken land...a God-forsaken city."  He continued muttering and I turned to walk down the hill.  I vaguely wondered how long I would have stayed if he hadn't told me to leave.
     As I tripped over a rock, and stumbled, a hand steadied me.  For the first time I realized I wasn't alone.
      "Mary", James said, "I've been looking for you.  I thought I might find you here.  I know how much you loved him."
      I exploded at James, "NO one knows how much I love him.  He was all I had to love...the only reason for loving.  And now, there's nothing."
      I could see James was uncomfortable, even sorry for me.  He loved Jesus, too.  He was heartbroken and ashamed of deserting his friend and Master.  For the first time I felt acceptance from James.  I remembered the first time James and I met, and his barely contained anger that his Master would make friends with a woman like me.
     "Come stay with us", James said.  "It will help if we are all together.  Besides, his mother needs you."  
     I was too distraught to smile, but I became aware that a little of Jesus had been left behind in James.  James was softer, more compassionate than before.  I told him I'd stay.  I didn't want to be alone.  I had been alone for too many years.  I wanted to be with people who knew Jesus and loved him as I had.
     When we reached the house and walked inside, I saw his mother and saw so clearly the anguish on her face, the fear in her eyes, the pain in her heart.  And I, the Magdalene, the Woman of the Hard Heart, wrapped my arms around the mother of Jesus, and together we wept.

[Interlude]
 
      And then Sunday came.
      I still smile when I remember that Resurrection day.  Of course, at the time I was terrified, but in looking back I can't believe I didn't know who he was.  At the very least I should have recognized the love and acceptance in his eyes...that never changes.
     So I come here.  To rest and to remember.  Pain and suffering surround us.  People are dying--on the INside.  Not because they want to, but, like me, they simply don't know how to live. 
     I still hurt, for myself and for others.  I still question.  But I can never doubt.  No matter how black the night in my soul or looming the problems, or large the ghosts that confront me, I know that I know that I know that God loves ME.  And that one shaft of light will always cut through the darkness that occasionally surrounds me--and comfort me and bring me out on the other side of my pain, of my sorrow--to wholeness, to joy and to life. 

THE END 

     

MARY MAGDALENE'S JOYFULNESS

                                               CHAPTER 10

                  MARY’S JOYFULNESS EXPLODES ... FOREVER

     She stood gazing upward into the warm sunshine.  Jesus was gone.  A smile, a loving look, and suddenly, he was leaving, moving upward, slowly, gradually being overtaken by the clouds.  She remembered his words, that he had to leave so the Comforter could come.  She certainly didn't understand what he meant.  But she had learned to simply obey -- not question and harangue over statements He made -- so she was at peace.  Even though she knew he was gone, she felt no loneliness, no dismay.  Her heart was full of love towards the Father and towards His son, her friend, and there was no room for grief or sorrow.
     In and among the huge crowd of people standing on the hillside, she felt totally alone ... lost in her own thoughts and searching her heart for the next step.  He had said to go to Jerusalem and wait.  She didn't know what she was going to be waiting for, but she was certain it would .. be.. good. She would certainly obey him.
     James, John, his mother Mary, Andrew and the rest of her friends were standing with her.  Andrew finally said, "He told us to go to Jerusalem.  We've been standing here long enough."  And immediately he turned and strode down the hill.
     As the rest ran to catch up with him, joy burst through Mary's heart and she began to sing, "The Lord is my strength and my song and he has become my salvation."  It was a psalm sung during the celebrations, and she was filled to overflowing with happiness as she repeated the words.  Laughing, she skipped down the dirt path.  She watched a bird circle lazily in the sky and smiled to herself, "I wonder if Sir Hawk saw his Master soar past ... or if he accidentally bumped into Jesus in that cloud?"
     She was amazed.  What was she doing?  What was she thinking?  How was she acting?  It was almost as if she were standing to the side and watching this free-flowing woman, hardly comprehending that it was herself.  Even the others, used to the more serious, contemplative Mary, were shaking their heads as she skipped, sang, and played.
     That was it.  Why had she not figured it out before?  She. was. playing.  The years of hardship and sorrow and desolation had dropped from her as discarding a cloak.  She had become a child once more.  A happy, free-spirited, glowing, buoyant child.  What freedom, what peace, what zest for life!
     And what of Jerusalem?  She wasn't certain what lay ahead.  Could there be years of trial and hardship?  Possibly, but she wasn't frightened.  She had already known trial and hardship – but without the strength of Jesus.  Now, with Jesus, she could face anything to come her way.  Would there be years of work as the Word of Jesus was shared with others beyond the boundaries of Jerusalem and Samaria?  Hadn't he said his Word would be taken to the ends of the earth?
     Suddenly she stopped and looked toward the place where she had last seen Jesus.  "I will do it," she promised.  "Anything you ask, anything you want, anywhere you want me to go, I will do it."
     And taking a tight grip of her shawl, she joyfully ran down the road toward Jerusalem.

MARY MAGDALENE -- JESUS' CRUCIFIXION

                                         CHAPTER 8

                                       CRUCIFIXION


     It was over.  The agony and the rage she'd felt during the crucifixion were gone.  In fact, everything was gone.  Nothing but the empty cross outlined starkly against the dark sky.  Joseph and Nicodemus had already removed the body.  Jesus' mother and John had left.  She didn't know where the others had gone, but they had.  Only she had stayed.
    As she stood staring blankly ahead, a soldier came.  He was overseeing the removal of the thieves' bodies, and wasn't at all pleased with the day's strange events.
    "Woman," he growled, "leave!  This so-called King of yours is dead.  He should have left well enough alone and let Caesar be God."  He swore under his breath.  "These wretched provincials.  What a god-forsaken land...a god- forsaken city."
    He continued muttering and Mary turned and walked down the hill.  She was actually happy that someone had told her to go.  Vaguely, she wondered how long she might have stayed, otherwise.
    As she walked,  she immediately was filled with confusion about where she could go.  True, she had a family and a home.  But without Jesus in their heart, too? No, she couldn't go there.
    She tripped over a rock, and, as she stumbled, a hand steadied her.  She looked, startled, fearfully, to see who this was. 
    It was James.
    "Mary,"  he said.  "I have been looking for you.  When his mother and John reached our home, I asked where you were.  They looked stunned.  They said they were sure you had left before them.  So, I came to look for you.  My heart is truly for you.”  He said very gently, looking into her eyes, “I know how much you loved him."
    She pulled her arm away and exploded.  "No one knows how much I loved him... He was all I had to love...the only reason for loving.  He even helped me to love myself.  And now...there's... nothing."
    James was uncomfortable.  He loved Jesus, too.  He was heartbroken and was ashamed of himself for his desertion of his Friend and Master.
    But his heart broke more as he watched Mary.  He remembered the first time he had seen her.  She was so brazen, so cold, and he wished she would leave them alone.  And now, all he wanted to do was make her hurt less, and there was simply nothing he could do or say to make that happen.  If she would cry, then he could handle it.  But she wasn't crying.  She wasn't doing anything.  She seemed frozen.
     Finally, he gently said, "Come stay with me...with us.  It will help if we are together.  Besides, his mother needs you.  She has been brave throughout this trial.  And now a caring woman can be more help to her than any men.  Jesus was kind to send her to be John's mother.  Since our mother died, he has been very lonely.  He misses the gentle touch of a woman.  And their insightful wisdom.  I know he will love her and care for her, too."
    Mary was too distraught to smile.  But she was aware that a little of Jesus had been left behind in James.  He now had more compassion and understanding of people than she had thought he ever would.
    "I don't know how long I will stay, but, yes, I will stay with you.  I don't want to be alone; I was alone for too many years.  I don't want to be with anyone who did not truly know Jesus and love him as we did."
    James was grateful.  He touched her arm, and gently walked her to his home.
    When they walked inside, she saw Jesus’ mother.  And she saw the anguish on her face, the fear in her eyes, the pain in her heart.
    And the woman called The Magdalene, the Woman of the Hard Heart, wrapped her arms around the Mother of Jesus, and together they wept.

MARY MAGDALENE -- SORROW AGAIN

                                            CHAPTER 7

                              SORROW BEGINS – AGAIN

      She sat on a stool in a corner of the room watching the guests eat their supper.  She was SO comfortable in Lazarus' home.  Always a loving host, but now experiencing  a new life, he overflowed with joy.  The guests in his home smiled, or chuckled, or laughed with him.  Jesus' eyes twinkled as he watched the antics around him, like a patient schoolmaster with happily rowdy children.
     Then the mood changed.  The laughing and loud talk had gradually diminished until it ceased altogether.  Lazarus' sister, Mary, stood behind Jesus, and, as if in a dream, she broke open a bottle and poured its contents over his head.  In waves the musky fragrance of nard invaded the room.
     Most of the onlookers were embarrassed--for Jesus, for Mary, even for Lazarus as host.  Judas' reaction, however, was more beyond embarrassment.  He..was..furious.  His eyes filled with disgust and he blurted out in a loud whisper to no one in particular, "What a waste!  If she wanted to DO something she could have sold the nard and put the money in the treasury.  But this?!..."  And while Judas clucked and shook his head, the Magdalene watched from her vantage point in the corner, and knew the words he said didn't match the itchy fingers he hid in the folds of his cloak.  Momentarily, she wondered why Jesus kept Judas as a disciple, even honoring him with the responsibility of the treasury.  However, in the midst of these thoughts her attention was riveted to what Jesus was saying.
     "She is anointing me for burial... she will always be remembered."
     The Magdalene shuddered in the chill, and noticed others doing the same.  What did he mean, "burial?"   His popularity with the people had never been greater.
     Yet in her heart she knew he spoke the truth, and filled with an inexplicable sadness, she stared into the fire's dying embers and quietly wept.

MARY MAGDALENE...RE: JESUS AND JAMES

                                         

                                            CHAPTER 6

                            JAMES QUESTIONS JESUS


     When the sun was setting, fire dimming, and the men dispersing to do their final night chores, Jesus sought a secluded place to pray...to touch his Father while away from the constant pressure of the people He was called to serve.  He sat in the grass and leaned back against the trunk of a tree.  It wasn't altogether comfortable, but it reminded him of the oneness between creation and God, and, in his exhaustion, he needed a firm reminder of that over-flowing unity.
     As he gazed into the heavens, centering himself in the love of God, he heard footsteps.  Turning his head, he saw James approaching.  Love warmed his heart for this older brother of John, this man of tempestuous nature, yet possessing a great capacity for compassion and sympathy.  "One of Father's unique achievements," he chuckled inwardly.  Aloud he said, "James, what brings you here?
     "Master," said James, digging at the ground with a sandle foot, "I need to ask you about Mary."
     "What is it?"  Jesus asked gently.
     "Well,"... he paused, probing for just the right words.                 
     "People are talking.  They are laughing behind your back, saying that you love Mary, and..." His voice trailed off and he shrugged in helplessness.
     "But, James, I DO love her.  Mary is a wonderful, gentle, beautiful woman.  She radiates the love of Father, and it is a pleasure to be with her."
     As he watched the shock on James' face, he smiled and continued, "But I love you, too.  And Andrew.  And Thaddeus.  And Joanna.  And John.  Each of you. All of you.”
     James continued to look a bit surprised, but he seemed less worried.
     "James, you must remember, most men have no understanding of the heart of my Father that impels Him, to enjoy what He has created.  He does not see that friendships and caring, such as the ones I have, are sordid or sinful or inappropriate.”
     He smiled.  "There is nothing inappropriate about my love for you or your brother.  We are brothers.  We are family.  Most people can not understand that.  We do not share a common blood line.  But our holy spirits communicating and focused on serving my Father make us one."
     He looked intensely into James’ eyes.  "And there is nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate about my love for Mary.  Mary is my sister, my friend, my child.  If my mission was human in origin, that relationship might be different.  But that is not the case.  My mission is for, and to, all men, women, and children. Nothing must stand in the way of what the Father wants me to do.”
     Jesus shifted a bit.  Glanced at the sky for a moment.
"James,  when ugly rumors and misstatements are made, who is the author of that ugliness?  Certainly not my Father.  And if not my Father, then whom?"
     James answered quickly.  "Satan, the father of lies."
     "That's right, James.  If he can discredit or manipulate or create dissension, he will.  Remember the story of the sheep and the shepherd.  How did I describe Satan to you?"
     "You said he was a thief and a murderer and that he came to steal, kill and destroy."
     "Right again, James.  Now, think.  Does that only mean in the physical realm?  What if part of Satan's scheme is to steal peace, joy, respect, courage?   To kill reputations, and feelings of self-worth?  And what if he came to destroy – not simply the body -- but loving relationships among families and friends?
     "People misunderstand because they want to misunderstand.  They enjoy painting pictures of unrighteousness, because it mirrors the unrighteousness of their hearts and helps them deaden the pangs of conscience.”
     Jesus nodded firmly at James.  "So, yes, I love Mary.  But I love my Father and my mission first."
     James broke into a broad grin.  "I feel better.  I guess I've learned something in spite of myself."
     It was a good self assessment, and Jesus smiled back, remembering again James' usual reticence at learning.  Jesus was pleased to see James growing in his understanding through the growth of his own heart and spirit.